I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
You Might Also Like
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*