Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
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Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Yoga Matt
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.