That de-escalated quickly
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Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope