Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
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My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready