At least try to make it slightly believable
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When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
what day is it?
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.