Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
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The Assassin.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)