looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
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People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.