My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
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The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.