Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
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I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Oh. My. God.
a god among men
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy