Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
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I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Möther may I have a snäck
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
termite twitter scares me
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.