I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
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10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.