WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
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NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.