Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
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Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Yup.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower