do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
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My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.