[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
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Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
What even happened today?
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.