all toddlers look the same when telling a story
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#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Thursday
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?