I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
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Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
LOL!
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.