Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
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doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket