I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
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making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.