Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
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Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Stop being racist to kettles.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly