ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
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you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
That’s classic.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?