The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
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Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Nice try, poison.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.