sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
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ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Science memes
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.