GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
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To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
happy friday
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee