What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
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“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”