Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
You Might Also Like
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
love it when they get my name right
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
😬
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
I’ve had worse
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?