I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
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me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.