Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
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The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Group therapist: What鈥檚 your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
I changed my mind..馃悤馃惥馃崻馃槄
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what鈥檚 up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you鈥檒l have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.