Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
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10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Still my favorite headline of all time:
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
*ernest hemingway voice*
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.