[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
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My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.