[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
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[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?