They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
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Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
girls literally only want one thing..
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
me hitting on a model
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.