Running from your problems is cardio .
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*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?