I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
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[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Ion see the issue
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅