The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
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WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright