*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
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When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
I have a type: disappointing
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife: