I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
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my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …