[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
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Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance