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cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.