I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
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The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Meme Monday.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…