Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
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“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
People buying plungers never look happy.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it