Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
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I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
*limbos under the caution tape
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who