I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
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HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Twitter is an abusement park.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.