My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
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All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
any last words?
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING