ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
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I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend