It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
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I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Catering service
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.