At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
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Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Bringing home a sharpie