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As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
I’m listening
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*