It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
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Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*