The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
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Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Batman v Dracula
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.